I've been a Southwest pilot for 33 years, and the job can be extremely lonely. Here's how I handle i

Publish date: 2024-06-22
2024-03-27T09:10:01Z

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Robert Graves, a 64-year-old pilot. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

I joined the Air Force when I was 21. I had just graduated with an electrical engineering degree but I wasn't passionate about engineering anymore — I craved an adventure and didn't want to sit behind a desk.

I was reading a magazine one day and a flyer fell out that said "Join the Air Force." I called the number and five months later, I was sent to pilot training.

I remember signing on the dotted line to commit to the military and thinking, what am I getting myself into? I had just spent four years studying engineering and I was tossing that away. I'm glad I did because it led me to my career as a pilot.

After 10 years of active duty, mostly in Japan, I left the military, decided to become an airline pilot, and landed a job with Southwest Airlines where I've been for the past 33 years.

I love my job. I get to travel the world and spend my workday up in the sky. There's a lot of responsibility and prestige that comes with the gig, and I find it challenging and fun. My schedule is the hardest part.

I spend half the month away from my home and my family

I live in Nashville, but my domicile, where all my trips begin and end, is in Baltimore. When it's time to go to work, I first get on a plane and commute to Baltimore.

I usually work 15 days and get 15 days off a month. I'll fly three or four days straight on a typical week and get the rest of the time off. On an average day, I'll pilot three to five flights.

It sometimes feels like I'm living two different lives. When I'm away as a pilot, I'm by myself, but when I'm back home, I'm a husband and a dad to four kids. It's a different lifestyle that can often feel lonely.

It's hard to have friendships with coworkers as a pilot

There are two pilots on every plane. Until we're at a cruising altitude, both of the pilots in the cockpit are heavily engaged and focused. Once we get there, we often turn on autopilot. At that point, pilots become system monitors.

I rarely know the other pilot I'm flying with. In most cases, I'm meeting that person for the first time. Before the flight begins, I'll introduce myself and try to get to know them.

I practice many Dale Carnegie techniques, like asking questions and being an active listener. I genuinely like to get to know people and if I can pass the time at work talking to a fellow pilot, I call that a win for the day.

It can be tough because you don't get to go to work and chat with people who feel like old friends. At this point in my career, if I worked at any other job, I'd have lifelong coworkers.

Not every copilot is eager to engage in conversation. If that's the case, the cockpit is mostly silent. I'm used to this by now, so it's not as jarring, but someone who has never had to sit for hours in this type of condition might find it awkward or boring.

If I'm not chatting I find ways to entertain myself. We can't watch TV, listen to music, or make phone calls to friends or family. Those things are strictly forbidden. Sometimes I read the flight manuals.

I spend most of the nights at my hotel alone

When I head to my hotel at the end of the day, I usually ask the other pilot about their plans for the night. If they seem interested in getting together, we'll make a plan to meet for dinner or an activity.

Sometimes they make it clear that they want to do their own thing. If that's the case, I'll spend the night grabbing dinner, going to the gym, taking a walk, or exploring the city alone. I like cities with walkable downtowns, like San Diego.

When you constantly feel lonely, you learn to adjust to it. You can't let it get you down or else you could become depressed. I always remind myself to get out of the hotel and explore. I like to try a restaurant I've never been to, walk around a neighborhood I've never seen before, or video chat with my family.

My wife is also a pilot and our relationship is rather unique

I met my wife in the Air Force. We got married in 1988 and both left the military around the same time to become commercial pilots. We work for different airlines and don't cross paths.

We only see each other a few days a month, but this works for us. When we're together, we'll go on a date night and make the most of our time.

We have four kids between 25 and 29. To make this work, we fly on opposite schedules. Instead of getting a live-in nanny when the kids were growing up, one of us was always home with them.

Our careers were tougher to stomach when the kids were younger because often one of us would miss a landmark event, like a play at school or a sporting event. That's probably the toughest part of the job. I wish I could be at all my kids' major moments, but that's impossible when I live somewhere else for half of the month.

My wife and I did the best we could. When one of us was home, we focused completely on our kids. We weren't behind a computer worried about work — we took off the pilot hat and became a full-time parent.

All the alone time makes you appreciate the little things

Now that my kids are grown up and out of the house, I come home to an empty house and a cat. I try to make a point to fill my days off with plans to see family or friends.

The job has made me more extroverted and better at talking to strangers. I'll strike up conversations with people around me when I'm at dinner or a hotel. Even though we rarely become friends, it's nice to converse with people when most of your workday is filled with silence.

The loneliness also forces you to pick up new hobbies. I've played guitar since high school and started piano lessons about seven years ago. I also write an aviation blog and enjoy photography. I do those hobbies on the road, too.

Airlines are aware that pilots face mental health challenges

In recent years, I've noticed that the FAA and commercial airlines are doing more to help pilots with their mental health, especially with incidents of pilots struggling on the job. Southwest has a robust and comprehensive mental health and substance abuse program called Clear Skies that's available for anyone who needs resources or support.

Next year, I'll turn 65 and retire. My wife has five years left to fly so I'll be a stay-at-home husband and join her on her overseas trips.

I hope to spend more time on the guitar and piano and have even considered enrolling in a course to become a sound engineer. Many airline pilots who retire still fly in other roles, but I'll hang up my spurs when the airline gig is over.

It's been a fun ride and I've enjoyed my job so much, but you can't do anything forever. I'll move on to a different phase of my life.

Watch: The surprising effects loneliness has on your brain and body

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