I'm the breadwinner in my marriage while my husband stays at home. Here are 7 things I'd tell other

Publish date: 2024-07-05
2023-06-16T09:13:00Z

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Andrea Mac, a growth strategist at Prequal from the Greater Chicago area. It's been edited for length and clarity.

When I shifted from being our family's primary financial earner to the family's sole earner, I struggled to find resources and guidance to navigate this new terrain. Families in our community often included two working parents, or perhaps a stay-at-home or part-time working mom. Rarely, if ever, did we see a stay-at-home dad.

Friends and colleagues didn't often opt out of the workforce, so we didn't have many people to look to for advice. But despite the lack of resources, role models, or guidance, we knew this path was right for our family.

We were expecting our third child, and though my husband and I both had growing careers — as an engineer and marketer, respectively — we decided that I would be the sole breadwinner and my husband would become a stay-at-home dad.

Six years later and now with four children, we've both struggled and learned a lot. Here are seven things I'd tell other families who decide to take this path.

1. You may feel lucky — and overwhelmed 

I feel incredibly privileged to have a stay-at-home husband/dad. Many women who are breadwinners or high earners experience my same struggles, yet don't have a full-time stay-at-home spouse. 

But sometimes it feels like I have two full-time jobs with little time to rest and recharge. If I don't jump in to help with parenting and home tasks, the entire responsibility falls on my spouse, who also doesn't get much of a break. It becomes a never-ending loop of work, family demands, and stress.

I get frustrated when he or the kids interrupt me at work to involve me in "home matters" — like asking me questions about schedules or walking in while I'm on calls. My role as a provider is minimized in those scenarios, so I'm famous for saying, "If I don't work, we don't get paid." It's dramatic — and true. 

2. You can't compare each other

We share daily household chores by leaning into our strengths — I meal plan and grocery shop; he cooks. I do the laundry; he puts it away. We split bedtimes and morning routines. 

I sometimes worry that my husband doesn't understand that when I prepare dinner or fold laundry, I still have all the other professional to-dos in the back of my mind. On the flip side, my husband has sacrificed his career and handles most of the child-rearing responsibilities and stress, so he's lonely and overwhelmed too.

It can be easy to fall into the comparison trap or to prioritize our own pressures and perspectives, so it takes intentional and consistent reminders that we made this choice together, this is what's best for our family, and we're both working hard to provide.

3. Tackling money issues requires trust — and lots of talking

My husband and I have two different mindsets regarding finances. As a marketer and entrepreneur, I'm more creative. As an engineer, my husband is more analytical. We each carry different philosophies, opinions, and fears about money.

For instance, my husband says that sometimes he feels like he can't spend money on himself because he isn't earning money. Conversely, as the earner in the family, I sometimes need to remind myself to pause before spending money on myself and consider the impact on the family.

I try to reinforce to him that we're a team and that it's our money. He should feel free to buy whatever he wants or needs autonomously, and I expect the same. We made an agreement that we need to talk about any purchase over $500 in advance.  

When I left my corporate job in 2020 to start my own consulting firm, it was a leap of faith for both of us. We had to have immense trust that we would be able to weather the rollercoaster financially. Honest communication and a whole lot of trust that you have each other's back is crucial.

Before making any major decision about my business, I often discuss it with my husband — not for "permission," but because I value his insights and input. 

4. You can't worry about other people's perceptions or opinions 

When I recently completed a financial form as part of my daughter's college application process, I listed the income I earn for our family. The financial aid representative informed us that we were missing information because my husband's income wasn't included. She simply couldn't conceive that I was the sole earner for the family and assumed we had missed this step.

There are plenty of outdated misconceptions and stereotypes about what is the primary earner in a heterosexual marriage, but you can't get caught up in that. We don't concern ourselves with other people's opinions about our family dynamic. We're confident in our choices, and that's all that matters.

5. Don't let ego get in the way

I have to resist the urge to "have it all" or "do it all." As a mom, naturally I want to participate in my kid's daily lives — sports events, picking them up from school, and even connecting with other moms. The fact is that doing these things is very hard or requires me to sacrifice at work — and ultimately, my responsibility is to earn. But it's hard; there isn't enough of me to go around. 

I also have to resist the urge to assume most moms don't understand my position. I find that I'm quick to verbally point out that I can't participate in something because "I'm working," or to feel resentful that most of my peers around me don't understand the pressure I'm under while I'm in the school car pickup lane, or what I have to sacrifice to be at a midday school event. 

According to my husband, he doesn't have to fight any ego issues — but for him, it's more about rising above social stereotypes and people's preconceived notions. He says he relies heavily on his self-confidence and vulnerability if doubt or fear ever creep in.

6. Gratitude must be an intentional part of your family

Gratitude helps your partner feels seen and appreciated. Even more than saying thank you, tell your partner about the impact of what they did. 

For instance, I might tell my husband, "Thank you for holding down the fort so I can do what I love." Or my husband might say to me, "Thank you for working so hard to give me and our family options."

7. Remember, you're at battle with the myths and stereotypes, not each other

As a mom, I want to be involved in my kids' lives and care for home and family, but I'm acutely aware of the stigmas and stereotypes that send messages about what moms "should" be doing.

A few years ago, when my children came to my office to see me one afternoon, a man in the elevator asked them if they were there to "visit their daddy at work" — to which I quickly replied, "No, they are here to visit me, their mom, at work." 

My advice to women is to acknowledge that any time you have a marital or family structure that's outside the norm, you're also in the role of defying stereotypes. You're showing other women that it's okay to be the primary or sole earner, and showing men that it's okay for their career to take a backseat to their partner's career. 

 

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